20 Really Bad Things Some Teachers Would Say If You Forced Them to be Honest

There’s a very funny list floating around the interwebz on 10 things teachers wish they could say but can’t. It goes like this:

10 Things Teachers Wish They Could Say

        *Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
        *If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
        *It is impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
        *Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
        *The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
        *This child has been working with glue too much.
        *When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
        *The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
        *Your child has delusions of adequacy.
        *The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Here’s another list of what some teachers would say in their written reports on your children if you could somehow get them to be truly, truly honest. It isn’t funny really, so don’t laugh.
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   * I have nothing to say about Peter because I don’t really notice him in my classroom. Sorry.
   * Sandy or Candy? I can never remember which one is which. Is she the one who sits in the back or the one in the front? They both got more or less the same mark any way. Here it is:
    *Stevie did badly in ‘Gears and Nuts’. But frankly, so did everyone. I don’t think I taught this section too well.
    *Debbie did badly in her exam. It was badly set, I’m afraid, so I get why.
    *Ricky’s mark suffered because we team-marked his exam and the section the other Lock Picking teacher marked didn’t allow for divergent answers.
    *David didn’t do too well in Ribbons and Bows this semester mainly because he doesn’t like me. I don’t really like him either, so there’s that.
    *I think this is more or less what Kevin’s marks should be. Frankly, I couldn’t find all of his work so I guessed. Oops.
    *Lawrence can be quite pleased with the 68% he attained for Lego Building this year. Frankly, though, we over-assessed so he never had the time to develop and grow.
    *David is in the class I always see at the end of the day. I am tired and grumpy and so are they. This probably explains his less than stellar performance. Better luck with the timetable next year.
    *Betty seemed bored with my PowerPoint presentations this term and her marks are a reflection of my antiquated methods. I really don’t care enough to change what I do though. Too bad.
    *This is Wesley’s mark. It probably means as little to him as it does to me. Frankly, I was so busy this semester, I did not have time to make note of his strengths and weaknesses. Hope this mark is good enough for you. It will have to be.
   * I love Andrew. He does everything I ask. He doesn’t disrupt or ask uncomfortable questions.
   * I really don’t like Zack. This mark is a reflection of that. I call it petty revenge.
   * I get a secret thrill when Timmy compliments me on my hair or a new dress I am wearing. I am thus giving him 10% extra. (Blush!)
    *I haven’t paid attention to Adam at all this term because I think he is just weird. Here’s his mark. Such as it is.
   * Ivan’s handwriting is so bad that I didn’t bother to read half of it. I looked for key words. SDH rift rus 62%.
    *I enjoyed marking most of Emily’s work this year because it was either blank or incomplete. This makes things go so much more quickly. She failed, which is sad, but she saved me a good few hours.
   * Roger had a few emotional setbacks this term. They don’t really pay me enough to care, though. And academics is academics. He failed.
   * Wendy did not do all of the copious homework I gave the class because I was afraid that my classroom teaching was insufficient. This made me angry and I docked marks. Because I can.